Dx: Diagnosis and Writing
Push Pull
Push-pull is a neurodivergent adventure in writing that explores the tensions and in-betweenness of navigating my dual diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) across the intertwined practices of art, writing and research. In my practice(s) as a visual artist, researcher, lecturer (and everything in-between), my writing is my art practice and my art practice is my writing. Both are also my research exploring art and/as language. In searching for a visual and other language, my work often takes hybrid forms traversing the visual, textual, and material registers of language. But, even in these new spaces I still do not quite fit. Undertaken over a period of four weeks as a durational writing practice, I will share the in-between hybrid forms of writing and their slippages that emerge performatively from the collisions and meta-narratives I encounter along the way, informing an experimental text produced for the Dx and Writing website. I hope to show the possibilities of my diagnoses, whereby not fitting in becomes fertile ground for new forms of writing practice.
(or ‘Neurodivergent adventures in writing and in-betweenness’)
Push Pull
I feel like I’ve been on this adventure for a very long time.
Which one?
Writing or neurodivergence?
Well, this writing journey feels like a long time for sure. Epic almost. And definitely an adventure.
I produced stuff I never envisioned in-between and at the edges of writing and language.
You know you said you’d use the material you accumulated over a
month to write an experimental text though …
Erm yes.
I think that was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time.
What? It’s a great idea!
I mean I’m not really sure how to do it, but I dispatched all that stuff and I feel like I at least need to try and get it all into words without getting it all into words.
That doesn’t even make sense! You are totally irresponsible … this perverse attraction to doing things that continually put you in these ‘seemed
like a good idea at the time’ moments will only result in failure and discomfort.
To be quite honest, I feel quite uncomfortable most of the time just finding my place
in the world, so pushing myself out of my comfort zone doesn’t seem like a big deal.
Yes, but you’ve taken it too far this time.
What were you thinking … do you really think you’ll be able to pull this off?
They will rumble you and realise that you’re not a proper writer.
Who?
EVERYONE.
Hmmm. Well, I’m not a proper artist either.
We’ve talked about this. You’ve been tentatively calling yourself an artist for such a long time now, it’s pretty much true. And it would
be SO much more straightforward to just fit into a category instead of all this in-between nonsense.
I’ve been traversing the in-between for quite some time now; it’s a productive and hospitable place to be when you learn how to let go and embrace the push-pull of it all. Also, there’s a fair bit of mobility to be inside and outside of it – it’s not like I’m infinitely stuck here or there’s such a thing as a singular ‘third space’ anyway.
Did you not read Homi Bhaba in Art School?
Don’t deflect this conversation with your fancy academic texts! I’m not falling for that one.
If one thing’s certain, you’re definitely not a proper academic, so you clearly just like being awkward and making things difficult for yourself.
What about this neurodivergence business, anyway?
What do you mean?
It feels like you’ve been on that adventure for a very long time, too.
Oh, I have … that I’ve known of for four years. But I was on the adventure of neurodivergence before I knew I was on the adventure of neurodivergence. Although you could say I’ve been writing this text and all the material that came before it before I was even writing this text and knew I was going to write it.
I am sceptical about whether it is an adventure, though.
Really? But you live for adventure!
I’m just trying to be myself.
***
Can I just remind you that you’re supposed to be writing an experimental text.
I am!
Look, could you please just include another image or something? You’re pretty good with visual things.
Maybe if it looks interesting and a bit wordy it’ll take the spotlight away from what you are calling a ‘text’?
I know you have my best interests at heart, so if it’ll keep you happy:
***
You know you’re out of the closet though now, right?
Bold move including neurodivergence in the title.
I know …
… it does feel a lot like I’ve been flashing my knickers each time I’ve shared my durational writing.
No going back now.
Are you sure you’ve thought this through properly?
Absolutely not.
But the thing is, my writing dispatches would never have happened if I hadn’t of embraced my in-betweenness(es). Exploring my diagnoses has opened up more possibilities with my writing than I imagined. I owe it to my practice and to myself; it feels time.
Also, maybe no one will even notice.
You’re basically just admitting that you’re different … now people will know.
I am different! I never asked for this, but it is who I am.
I thought you liked labels, anyway?
Not this one.
Good … bollocks to labels, I say! Bollocks to categories! Bollocks to closets! Bollocks to doubt! Bollocks to binaries! And bollocks to the eternal fatigue of trying to fit in! Wooop!!
You should absolutely not be flashing your knickers by the way.
And I expect some heavy editing to remove your swearing. Absolutely disgraceful.
I honestly don’t know why I bother.
***
Are you sure you’re not just making up this whole neurodivergence
thing anyway? You seem pretty normal to me. I mean, you can’t tell.
I have legitimate pieces of paper, signed by legitimate medical professionals, and a legitimate diagnosis.
But are you sure you’re not just very disorganised and a little bit sensitive?
Oh, I am!
But I feel my neurodivergence. All. The. Time. The good, the bad and everything in-between. It is very real, I assure you.
WAIT A MINUTE! YOU ARE ME; YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!
I am! Why are you being so awkward?
I’m not deliberately being awkward! I’m just being me …
Why are you being so awkward?
I’m not deliberately being awkward! I’m just being me …
You do have a habit of being a bit awkward though. A perpetual troublemaker. Always going against the grain, doing things differently, not keeping quiet when you should, being circular when things are linear, not conforming to one category or another, always trying to be something that doesn’t fit.
You are seriously beginning to piss me off … ! Just as I get comfortable and a little bit more bold in my in-between-ness, you come along and make me doubt myself.
***
You’re an idiot.
I know. Thank you.
***
***
Hey!
Oh heey!
Oh good God, not another one.
I could hear your incessant chatter; thought I’d come and join you both!
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
And with that, she finally fell asleep…
About Jacqueline Taylor
Dr Jacqueline Taylor is a neurodivergent artist, writer, researcher and educator. She is currently Senior Lecturer in Research Practice and Director of Doctoral Education at the Faculty of Arts, Design and Media, Birmingham City University where she specialises in developing provocative pedagogies for doctoral students in the arts and design. Jacqueline’s research examines the ways in which non-representational aesthetic practices function as a form of language. She is particularly interested in utilising aspects of semiotics and philosophy to inform a poetics of painting. She exhibits her art practice internationally, and presents, performs, and publishes her research globally, often in forms which expand the parameters of the academic and written text. Jacqueline’s lectures and talks are often performative and tend to involve a lot
of paper that ends up on the floor. She is also unapologetically fond of glitter canons and making a mess in institutions.
Access her CV and full bibliography at writingmakingspace.com